By Justin Rizzi
It’s that time of year again. Everybody is grouping themselves up, getting ready to apply for apartments. Once again, I find myself without a group. I’m not picky; I’ll live on or off campus, and I am fine with anyone else’s lifestyle choices. There is one thing, though: I am famed serial killer John Wayne Gacy.
I know, I know. Sounds bad, right? I famously assaulted and murdered at least 33 people in Chicago in the 1970s. When you put it that way, I definitely don’t sound like the best housemate. I would ask you to keep a few things in mind, however. First of all, most of my victims were under 18, so you wouldn’t have that much to worry about. Also, my dad used to hit me, so I’d say that YOU are actually the cruel ones for holding that against me. Lastly, I was executed by lethal injection in 1994, so I really don’t think I’m the threat everyone says I am anymore.
At the end of the day, I know there are legitimate reasons not to want to live with me, famed serial killer John Wayne Gacy, but I do have a good lottery number, so DM if interested.