By Warren King
The Times Union. The Daily Gazette. The Post-Star—regardless of what they’re called, they’re all the same flaccid communist propaganda machines—but did they know that Owen Wilson was in Saratoga two whole weeks ago? No. No they didn’t. But here they are finally groveling at the presence of Owen Wilson’s toes on Saratoga dirt. A little late to the party, guys. Come on now. Anywho, the only reason he’s here is for a shoot designed to mimic the setting of Vermont. It makes sense; when it isn’t horsey season, what else is Saratoga good for (aside from being a worse, dirtier Vermont of course)?
Two weeks prior, after identifying the celebrity riding a bicycle around town, we at the Skidmo’ Daily had a number of theories as to what a gal like Owen Wilson was doing in a town like this. Wilson was in ‘toga town—but at least we knew he was here, unlike all the mainstream fake news greaseballs. Upon spotting Wilson in Saratoga, the team here at the Skidmo’ Daily speculated that the man had come to Saratoga specifically to relive his childhood, immersed in a culture obsessed with horses. But we were wrong, which is perhaps the largest shock of all. Instead, he’s doing something far less hilarious: starring in a movie about Bob Ross. Finally, that crusty ass cardboard cutout in the window of a Kimball dorm room will be relevant again. Hallelujah! Or mazel tov… The staff of the Skidmo’ daily are inclusive –unlike the bison turds that work at Saratoga’s “real” news. Did we mention we’re the only reliable news source in the entire Saratoga area?