Campus Life Celebrity Graduation Local student

“4 Years Have Led Me to This Moment” Thinks Student About to Bump Elbows with Self-Proclaimed “Animal” Marc C. Conner

By Will Kertzman

The day is finally upon us; graduation. And it couldn’t come soon enough, with senior week turning into a sort of “Rumspringa” for the Class of 2021, even resulting in one senior not understanding the metaphor and going fully amish for two weeks. But as the ceremony is about to begin, many seniors are reflecting on their time here; who they’ve become, the work they’ve accomplished, if they left their hemorrhoid cream in their apartment, and what awaits them out there in the real world. For one student however, Becky Wrezelsky, there is only one thing that today represents, and that is bumping elbows with self-proclaimed animal, Marc. C. Conner.

Though many of us have seen the cute Facebook post in which our dearly beloved president described a truly unhinged shopping spree at Wal-Mart, for Wrezelsky it has been all she can think about for the past few months. In a hastily conducted interview that occurred while chasing her from her hotel room all the way to SPAC, Wrezelsky said that she’d “been working like a maniac to keep a 4.0 grade point average while managing three different clubs, and the reward for all that work is getting to share a glance and bump elbows with Marc C. Conner. My whole academic career has been a giant joke. I used to think my life was a tragedy, but now I realize it’s a fucking comedy!”

Though it is still unclear whether Marc himself will, as he so eloquently put it, “cut loose and let the animal out” once the ceremony is over and party time ensues, his reputation as a Wal-Mart shopping fiend has certainly pervaded the collective consciousness of the Class of 2021 and has cast a shadow over today’s events.

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